Now imagine if, at the end of this spectacular date, you’re
both standing there, mutual attraction twisting your stomachs, eyes locked,
mouths dry…leaning in…and your date delivers you a kiss that transports you
back to a grade school boy-girl party game of Spin the Bottle in a dark closet
surrounded by moonboots, a trench jean jacket, and the scent of mothballs.
HELL, no!
There are no faster executioners of budding romance than incompatible
kissers smacking into each other. What’s worse, there’s no way to spot a bad
kisser. Often times, bad kissers think they are masterfully skilled. I wonder
who led them to this conclusion.  |
| 1945 photograph by Alfred Eisenstaedt V-J Day in Times Square |
Let’s not forget Wet Willy who either tried to drown you in
saliva or choke you with his tongue. Unseemly.
Or The Corpse. Seriously?
The Corpse attaches his mouth to yours like a suckerfish and just stands there.
Wait for it…wait for it… It never arrives. Did he learn kissing from
black-and-white movies? He clearly doesn’t realize your shortness of breath is
from shock and horror, not lust. Stop
resuscitation and call it: Kiss of Death.
The passion and promise of The Kiss have been revered and
immortalized across cultures and time in every form of art: sculpture, poetry, lyric,
paint, cinema, and more. The Kiss itself IS an art form, and it
shouldn’t feel like you’ve entered the Second Circle of Hell. Yet despite the
prevalence of lips and the eagerness of people wishing to share theirs, The
Kiss is anything but a commonplace, B-movie horror film from the ‘80s.
Enter: Science
When a man kisses a woman, testosterone is excreted in his
saliva and transmitted to the woman through The Kiss. The testosterone gives a boost to the
woman’s sex drive, and an artful, slow-rolling kiss can build into a crescendo.
Fact: Kissing alone can bring a woman
to orgasm. I don’t believe it. I need
proof. :D
According to endocrinologists, women can detect a man’s
quality of health from a specific genome code for his immune system. I won’t
bore you with details, but in summary, a good kiss gives both participants a
hormonal sample of the quality of a person’s immune system—a key toward
determining reproductive compatibility.
 |
| The Kiss by Austrian painter Gustav Klimt |
“There’s evidence
to suggest that modifying your kissing ability might not be in your biological
best interest,” Gallup said. “If you push for a relationship after a lackluster
kiss, that relationship could end poorly.”
Scent of a Woman
Without even realizing it, women are most attracted to
men whose genes, when blended with their own, would produce a vastly different
immune system—providing offspring with stronger immune systems.
Whether the next person you kiss nearly costs you a
front tooth, or you’re drowning in a wet, bubbly cocktail of endorphins, give a
nod of thanks to the little Biology Angel on your shoulder: Sometimes a kiss IS
just a kiss.
“If you wanna know if he loves you so, it’s in
his kiss!” —Aretha Franklin
For couples in a relationship, The Kiss is a barometer providing
subtle signs regarding the quality of the relationship. No, it doesn’t need to
be hot and heavy when you’re stepping out the door for work in the morning, but
couples that kiss often and like they mean it are more secure in their
relationships.
Along these lines, I’d like to take this opportunity to
represent all eyeball-rolling women everywhere: Guys, a passionate kiss doesn’t
need to be followed by groping and sexual overtures. We realize that since
about 15, your gun is pretty much always cocked. But how about trying something
that will REALLY blow her mind: Imagine kissing your lovely lady like you did
before her kiss became familiar and then just leaving her heaving and hanging! Walk
away like you’re The Man—without a word—before she has a chance to shake the stars
out of her eyes. You’ll confuse her, and she’ll be aching about it all day.
* * *
So here’s to The Hoover who ensures turtlenecks never
go out of style (amateur). And to Ben who tried to kiss me under the slide in
second grade (saved by the bell). To Kyle, my actual first kiss on the dance
floor (nicely done, despite your braces). To Chris, whose kiss was so
mind-blowing, we fell backwards off a log around a bonfire and he hit his head on
a rock—without pausing a second.  |
| The Kiss, 1889 French sculpture by Auguste Rodin |
* * *
She felt like a chess player who, by the clever handling of his pieces, sees the game taking the course intended. Her eyes were bright and tender with a smile as they glanced up into his; and her lips looked hungry for the kiss which they invited.
"But, you know," he went on quietly, "I didn't tell him so, it would have seemed ungrateful, but I can tell you. I've stopped kissing women; it's dangerous."
A person can't have everything in this world; and it was a little unreasonable of her to expect it.
—Excerpts from “The Kiss” by Kate Chopin
Kiss and Tell
© Hindu
writing in the Vedic Sanskrit texts
from India dated 1500BC refers to kissing as “smelling with the mouth.” Seems
they were ahead of their time.
© If someone tells you they are a “philematologist,”
don’t panic. They study kissing!
© That passionate kissing you did in the car
in high school burned 6.4 calories a minute.
© At the University of Electro-Communications’
Kajimoto Laboratory in Tokyo, inventors designed a machine to mimic the feeling
of a French kiss. The “Kiss Transmission Device” records the movement of a
kisser's tongue and mimics this movement in the mouth of a recipient using
another machine. I believe something like this was also on the TV show “Big
Bang Theory.”
©
Kissing
Tip: No need to pass up the tasty garlic bread—if both you and your partner
eat (even just a little) of an odorous food, neither one of you will notice the
scent on each other’s breath!
© A regular kiss involves only two muscles in
the face. A glorious French kiss involves all 34, so loosen up.
