Kiss Me, Kate

Recall the best date you ever went on. It could have been with the person you ultimately married, or the one that got away. Perhaps you had no expectations for the date, and you were pleasantly surprised by just how enjoyable it was? Maybe you built up so much anticipation that your palms were sweaty, your heart raced, and you tried on outfits until you ran out of time, your room left in shambles?

Now imagine if, at the end of this spectacular date, you’re both standing there, mutual attraction twisting your stomachs, eyes locked, mouths dry…leaning in…and your date delivers you a kiss that transports you back to a grade school boy-girl party game of Spin the Bottle in a dark closet surrounded by moonboots, a trench jean jacket, and the scent of mothballs. HELL, no!

There are no faster executioners of budding romance than incompatible kissers smacking into each other. What’s worse, there’s no way to spot a bad kisser. Often times, bad kissers think they are masterfully skilled. I wonder who led them to this conclusion.

1945 photograph by Alfred Eisenstaedt
V-J Day in Times Square

What woman ever told The Pecker that he took her breath away? Who wants to be pecked at? It’s a ridiculous way to be kissed. Stop that!

Let’s not forget Wet Willy who either tried to drown you in saliva or choke you with his tongue. Unseemly.

Or The Corpse. Seriously? The Corpse attaches his mouth to yours like a suckerfish and just stands there. Wait for it…wait for it… It never arrives. Did he learn kissing from black-and-white movies? He clearly doesn’t realize your shortness of breath is from shock and horror, not lust. Stop resuscitation and call it: Kiss of Death.

The passion and promise of The Kiss have been revered and immortalized across cultures and time in every form of art: sculpture, poetry, lyric, paint, cinema, and more. The Kiss itself IS an art form, and it shouldn’t feel like you’ve entered the Second Circle of Hell. Yet despite the prevalence of lips and the eagerness of people wishing to share theirs, The Kiss is anything but a commonplace, B-movie horror film from the ‘80s.

Enter: Science

When a man kisses a woman, testosterone is excreted in his saliva and transmitted to the woman through The Kiss. The testosterone gives a boost to the woman’s sex drive, and an artful, slow-rolling kiss can build into a crescendo. Fact: Kissing alone can bring a woman to orgasm. I don’t believe it. I need proof. :D

According to endocrinologists, women can detect a man’s quality of health from a specific genome code for his immune system. I won’t bore you with details, but in summary, a good kiss gives both participants a hormonal sample of the quality of a person’s immune system—a key toward determining reproductive compatibility.

The Kiss by Austrian painter Gustav Klimt

University of Albany evolutionary psychologist Gordon Gallup Jr. researched, believe it or not, the effects of kissing on relationship development. The results of his study concluded that a bad kiss was the reason 59% of men and 66% of women ended a relationship.  

“There’s evidence to suggest that modifying your kissing ability might not be in your biological best interest,” Gallup said. “If you push for a relationship after a lackluster kiss, that relationship could end poorly.”

Scent of a Woman

Our noses may feel like they’re in the way, but they actually play a pivotal part in The Kiss—our olfactory system keeps us from choosing an incompatible mate. We all have a natural scent (yes, you smell). These molecules—which aren’t necessarily detected consciously—provide information on our reproductive status and DNA to a potential mate.

Without even realizing it, women are most attracted to men whose genes, when blended with their own, would produce a vastly different immune system—providing offspring with stronger immune systems.

Whether the next person you kiss nearly costs you a front tooth, or you’re drowning in a wet, bubbly cocktail of endorphins, give a nod of thanks to the little Biology Angel on your shoulder: Sometimes a kiss IS just a kiss.

 “If you wanna know if he loves you so, it’s in his kiss!” —Aretha Franklin

For couples in a relationship, The Kiss is a barometer providing subtle signs regarding the quality of the relationship. No, it doesn’t need to be hot and heavy when you’re stepping out the door for work in the morning, but couples that kiss often and like they mean it are more secure in their relationships.

Along these lines, I’d like to take this opportunity to represent all eyeball-rolling women everywhere: Guys, a passionate kiss doesn’t need to be followed by groping and sexual overtures. We realize that since about 15, your gun is pretty much always cocked. But how about trying something that will REALLY blow her mind: Imagine kissing your lovely lady like you did before her kiss became familiar and then just leaving her heaving and hanging! Walk away like you’re The Man—without a word—before she has a chance to shake the stars out of her eyes. You’ll confuse her, and she’ll be aching about it all day.

* * *

So here’s to The Hoover who ensures turtlenecks never go out of style (amateur). And to Ben who tried to kiss me under the slide in second grade (saved by the bell). To Kyle, my actual first kiss on the dance floor (nicely done, despite your braces). To Chris, whose kiss was so mind-blowing, we fell backwards off a log around a bonfire and he hit his head on a rock—without pausing a second.

The Kiss, 1889 French sculpture by Auguste Rodin

* * *

She felt like a chess player who, by the clever handling of his pieces, sees the game taking the course intended. Her eyes were bright and tender with a smile as they glanced up into his; and her lips looked hungry for the kiss which they invited.
 
"But, you know," he went on quietly, "I didn't tell him so, it would have seemed ungrateful, but I can tell you. I've stopped kissing women; it's dangerous."

A person can't have everything in this world; and it was a little unreasonable of her to expect it.

—Excerpts from “The Kiss” by Kate Chopin

Kiss and Tell

©       Hindu writing in the Vedic Sanskrit texts from India dated 1500BC refers to kissing as “smelling with the mouth.” Seems they were ahead of their time.

©       If someone tells you they are a “philematologist,” don’t panic. They study kissing!

©       That passionate kissing you did in the car in high school burned 6.4 calories a minute.

©       At the University of Electro-Communications’ Kajimoto Laboratory in Tokyo, inventors designed a machine to mimic the feeling of a French kiss. The “Kiss Transmission Device” records the movement of a kisser's tongue and mimics this movement in the mouth of a recipient using another machine. I believe something like this was also on the TV show “Big Bang Theory.”

©       Kissing Tip: No need to pass up the tasty garlic bread—if both you and your partner eat (even just a little) of an odorous food, neither one of you will notice the scent on each other’s breath!

©       A regular kiss involves only two muscles in the face. A glorious French kiss involves all 34, so loosen up.