One Good Play Deserves Another

His Stages of Recovering from a Breakup

His Stage 1: Hours 1 – 12

After she grabbed her purse and stormed out, he turned on The Game, grabbed a beer, and festered for a half hour on the couch. Every time they talk, it ends in an argument and he’s tired of the headache. His mind is racing and the announcers’ voices fill the room like white noise with reason.

“What an upset!”

“Nothing should be this difficult.”

“You can see the frustration on his face…”

“And he’s down…”

He questions why she has to be such a bitch and texts his most agreeable bro to see what’s up tonight. A few hours later, he meets his homies at their regular sports bar whereupon they attempt to flush all memory of “Her” out of him with vast quantities of alcohol.

Commence drunk-dialing.

His Stage 1: Hour 22

He wakes to a horrendous migraine, a taste like stale beer and wet cigarettes in his mouth, and only a vague idea where he is. A quick pat down reveals his phone and car keys are missing from his pockets. He soon discovers that his friend, whose couch seems to be swallowing him whole, confiscated his keys after his repeated attempts to drive over to “Her” house last night.

He hears the muffled yet familiar sound of “Sweet Child O’ Mine.” It’s his phone and “She” is calling. He discovers his phone wedged under a cushion with potato chip crumbs and something that looked like a large wad of navel lint. Like headlights on a foggy night, his perspective slowly sharpens and he tentatively answers.

Commence denial of all things said as a result of last night’s drunk-dialing episode. Within 15 seconds of hearing Her voice go from “tender” to “unsteady,” he senses impending hostility and hastily ends the call with “I’ll call you later.”

His Stage 2: Day 7 Post Breakup

Safety Tramp

Succumbing to loneliness that his friends can no longer fulfill, he reconnects with a female friend from his past. She and her boyfriend have been shaky lately, so she is sensitive to his suffering. They haven’t hung out in almost a year, so they decide to meet for dinner and a few drinks. She shares her frustration over “what a jerk” her boyfriend is acting like lately. He orders her another drink—her favorite—and she is “totally impressed” that he remembers.

“Of course I do. Why wouldn't I?” he asks. He pays attention to detail—something She never did appreciate.

Friend with Boyfriend doesn’t realize it, but she is one fruity drink away from becoming Safety Tramp.

No, he doesn’t see her as an actual “tramp,” but he knows where she’s been and he knows she has feelings for him. He still thinks she’s hot and he knows there’d be no strings. It’s mutual, right? They can comfort each other. There’s a reason they didn’t work out in the first place...and he doesn’t care what it was anymore because it’s not like they’re going to start dating again or anything.

Safety Tramp lives hundreds of miles away and only comes to visit friends and family once in a while. She can’t possibly cramp his lifestyle unless she texts, emails, or calls him to death. Proximity also prevents Safety Tramp from mistaking this interlude for something that can turn into a viable relationship.

An evening with Safety Tramp was just what he needed. She has to get home so no one thinks she’s dead in a ditch or something. He sees her to the door with a final hug and kiss goodbye. Sure it would be nice to wake up with someone in his arms, but it’s better to avoid the whole awkward “Day After” conversation.

His Stage 2: Evening of Day 8 Post Breakup

As he changes his bed sheets (yes, guys do that), he finds his 1998 Senior Frog’s Cancun T-shirt wadded up at the foot of the bed. It still smells like “Her” perfume—the one he bought her for Valentine’s Day last year. It smells so good!

Now he feels guilty for last night. He turns on SportsNet and has several beers, fighting the urge to call Her. Forsaking the unmade bed, he falls asleep on the couch wearing the T-shirt.

His Stage 3: Evening of Day 15 Post Breakup

Aspirin Girl

He finds out from reliable sources that She has begun dating again. Whatever. It’s not like they can even work things out unless She changes anyway. They are too different. She doesn’t understand finances and she only thinks about herself. He can’t even go out with his friends without having to give her play-by-play the next morning. If he wanted to go out with the guys, he’d get the third degree when he got home. And God forbid he drink too much and call her so he wouldn’t drive home! He was being responsible, but she’d act like she owned his soul the next day. Besides, he already has a mother.

Now he’s decided he just wants to go out and have fun. They always had to go where She wanted to go, see the movie She wanted to see, eat the food She liked to eat—and what are tofu and hummus anyway?

Unexpectedly, he meets a seemingly sweet, single woman. She has no big baggage, she has her own money, and she gives him plenty of space. She ended a long-term relationship a few months ago, so she’s cautious but receptive to his modest gestures to let her know he is interested—way more appreciative than She was. Aspirin Girl doesn’t want to rush him. She knows he just ended a relationship, so he enjoys going out with his friends and having fun on his terms.

Aspirin Girl’s job is to help him over the pain of losing Her. Unfortunately, timing is everything.

We may try to skip one stage and move on to a more favorable stage, but like school, you can’t move ahead unless you can pass the tests. And if you do skip, you may find yourself in way over your head.

So while He is out partying like Puffy, He’s avoiding how He feels about the end of his relationship with Her. He may be having difficulties accepting being alone, so he takes a few missteps as he gets over Her, such as drunk dialing Aspirin Girl after telling her he was “conflicted over his ex.” While this may initially make her heart soar, she soon discovers His calls aren’t hapless attempts to make a love connection: They are calls for a taxi or a booty.

Maybe he throws himself into his job or the gym—both are way better substitutes for frustration than getting herpes from a stranger He meets at a bar. Maybe he grows out a beard or wears His favorite sweatshirt five days in a row.

Eventually he begins to feel better, all the Safety Tramps disappear, and the novelty of Aspirin Girl fades. He accepts his relationship has ended, and when the timing is right, Exactly Who He’s Been Looking For steps into His life.