Ridden hard and put away wet

Horses—if God made anything more beautiful, He kept it for Himself. ~Author Unknown

When a serious relationship ends, most people go through predictable stages of recovery before they are truly ready to commit to a new relationship.

Like a person recovering from anything, you are the unwilling dance partner to Denial, Regret, Anger, and Reflection. Sometimes the dance is so slow you barely feel you’re moving. Other times it’s more like a mosh pit and you’re just trying not to hit the ground too hard when the room stops spinning.

The recovery processes of women and men appear to differ considerably. I say “appear” because, like most women, I have absolutely no idea how the majority of men process their emotions.

My summation of a man’s recovery process is based on the “mean” of my friends’ (male and female, to be fair) and my own experiences. Sure we could establish some standard deviation; however, I suspect you’d need crampons and snow plates to climb that bell curve. Regardless, I choose to live in “Kate’s World” and maintain that this is a result of biology rather than, well, a lack of sensitivity.

Anyway, since I know “Her” well, that’s where I’ll begin: “Her” stages of relationship recovery.

Her Stage 1, Days 1 through 7—MANure

• Friends and family have spent hours consoling her and reaffirming how selfish he is, how she deserves SO MUCH better.
• “Food” has become either completely disagreeable or her nemesis.
• She’s convinced '80s movies have plotted against her—how many times can a woman handle flipping on the TV to see John Cusack in a trench coat hoisting a boombox over his head? *sigh*
• Finally, she turned to toilet paper and then paper towels after running out of tissues, but she can’t possibly go to the store because:

1. her eyes are too puffy to pry the lids wide enough to insert contacts
2. a baseball cap can’t possibly hide the unmanageable nest she paid $175 to have highlighted like Jennifer Anniston’s
3. donning sweatpants in public when you aren’t leaving the gym hasn’t been socially acceptable since you were too legit to quit wearing legwarmers and jelly shoes in 80-degree weather
4. Dear, God, what if someone she knows actually SEES her?

Her Stage 2, Week 2—Feeling Shod

• The suffering and pain was released from Pandora’s Box and it's finally closing—and only Hope remains.
• Every ring of her cell phone elicits a stunning Pavlovian sprint across the room.
• He’s going to call. She knows he is. Isn’t he?

Her Stage 3, Week 3—Trotters and Pacers

• Pangs of reality set in and her voicemail is full—friends, sister, and Mom calling daily to check on her and see if “anything has changed.” They share a quiet, collective relief that “He” is still gone.
• She joins a gym—must find some way to spend her abundance of free evenings and weekends. Besides, it would be nice to get back in to the pre-“Him” jeans.
• She reluctantly considers accepting the Girls’ Night Out invitation (which is truly more her friends’ rally cry than an option for her at this stage of recovery).

Her Stage 4, Week 4, Day 1

It’s Girls’ Night Out, so in solidarity, they go to a gay bar for men. Why a gay bar?

1. There’s no chance she’ll run into “Him” here.
2. She won’t be forced to endure undesirable passes made by men she doesn’t want (which only remind her of the man she can't have).
3. All the men here think she’s fabulous even if she desperately needs to touch up her roots.
4. She isn’t at risk of missing out on “The One” because of her attitude problem.
5. She can order a crotch grabber, straight up without having to actually be subjected to one.
6. She can be as pissed off at men as she wants and absolutely everyone in the bar would agree with her.

Stage 4 for Her is all about reclaiming self-esteem. She's getting her “sexy” back.

Her Stage 5—A Day at the Races

Her self-esteem is quickly righting itself, so She is now entering Stage 5. Stage 5 is when She finally gives a crap WHAT men think of Her—well, all except the ex. He doesn't get a vote. Stage 5 is when she resumes dating.

For women, returning to dating is much like a day at the races:

• You worry how you look compared to the rest of the women out there.
• You reference magazines to find out what’s “in” and then undertake some serious shopping, Girlfriend.
• No matter what you take with you, as soon as you're out, you feel unprepared.
• Your seat is not as good as it was last year.
• You MUST have an alcoholic beverage in-hand to get through the next couple of hours.
• You want to both see and be seen, but not as the center of attention.
• You keep your options open and hedge your bets to ensure you don't go home empty-handed.
• It’s always better when you bring friends! Now if you decide to bring reinforcements, always consider what my friend “Bob” explains:

When a man sees a woman, the number of friends she’s with can determine whether or not he makes a move to meet her.

1. One woman is vulnerable and suspicious.
2. Two women are approachable.
3. Three women are very approachable (there’s one woman for him and no third wheel).
4. Four women are overwhelming and the risk may be too great that he will be mocked and shut out.
5. More than four women, well, he knows that's just asking for trouble! They are either a sorority gang or a bachelorette party. Why would he risk being forced to drink out of a phallic straw or wear a candy G-string over his jeans... and there will be pictures to prove it?

All Bets are Off

Stage 5 begins as an effort to just get back on the horse and ends in either a sprint to the finish line or a roll in the hay.

Either way is fine with Her because this filly isn't ready to be put out to pasture: She’s just saddling up for the ride of her life!

Coming soon... His Stages of Recovery

It is not enough for a man to know how to ride; he must know how to fall. ~Mexican Proverb

You’ve Got Male

To: JJ

From: Kate

It was nice to meet you and thank you for the great lunch.

I think you are really nice, and I don't think you're an underachiever of any sort. I'm afraid on other accounts we may be too different, like you suggested. Politics, religion,

humor—important things to differ on.

I wish you the best of luck, and I am glad we finally got to meet.

___________________________

(unedited)

From: JJ

To: Kelley

Subject: Re:

I learned a

lesson. Tell a "woman" of my politics and religion before wasting $55.00 on lunch.

Instead of asking me less-than-appropriate questions like "tell me of your eHarmony experiences with women", perhaps you could have asked if I were a republican or weather or not I supported my Catholic faith by going to church.

Also, I shall recognize in the future that if a "woman" sees politics and religion as a deal breaker, then she's way too incredibly shallow and closed minded than to deserve my attention and affection.

You're from a town of 300 people trying to assimilate into a world of 5 billion. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that so much makes you exclaim "ewwww", "grossss", or "that's baaaaaad".

The idea you forced 3 therapists on the marriage is brutally alarming. One should get a therapist just to help them with the problem of retaining three therapists.

Thanks for considering me a "really nice person".......eh, I guess as "nice" goes you do okay. Warm? No. Cold, ah.... now we're getting warmer.

Take care and good luck with whatever it is that you preoccupy yourself with.

Who Dares Loses.

______________________

To: Friends and family

Re: You won’t believe this…

Ok, this is from the guy that I went to lunch with on Friday after I tried to politely tell him that I didn't feel a connection. To be clear, I did NOT tell him ANY of these things. I would never say any of those things to a person like that. There's no reason.
The truth is:

• he has a DUI and no license since last April (almost a year later…no, he didn’t tell me this before our date)
• he asked me to lunch in the city because it's something about "less of an expense" (for the man) on a first date than wasting money on a nice dinner (he said this once I was at lunch with him)
• he CHOSE the place (which was across the street from his office…I suspect this is because he can’t drive)
• I had to wait for him by myself for 10 minutes (which I didn't tell him and he probably would have considered it penance for being born a woman anyway)
• I paid $17 to park and $5 to tip the valet because there was no parking anywhere
• he made fun of me 3 times AND pointed it out, as in "did you notice I did this?" I politely said I noticed, but I wasn't going to say anything (because that would be RUDE)
• he complained about the small amount of soup in the bowl of soup for the appetizer
• he told me "thank you for not feeling up my thigh or asking me to come over tonight." I said, "Excuse me?" Apparently women in the past have done that to him. Ah, yes: Talking about slutty women is such a turn-on during first-date lunch.
• and (as if I needed a deal-breaker) he told me on a first date how much he loves beer and when he drinks beer, he likes to drink A LOT of beer

The one thing he said that made me laugh was when he assumed my father was an ultra-conservative republican (see me nearly spit soup out my nose and trying to picture my father's response to such a statement—a blue-collar from Chicago from a long line of blue-collars and living the last 30 years in a one-horse union town).

The night before, he said he thought I'd find him less than whatever he assumes my "caliber" to be because he's "an underachiever." His words, not mine.

Enjoy the lovely diatribe about my personality.

His email was supposed to go to someone named "Kelly." I didn't see her address on it, which was a bit weird. I suspect he either blind-copied me and sent the email to her or he thinks my name is “Kelly.” I don't care to ask.

Even funnier is he's a recruiter for the American Bar Association! I think the ABA he was talking about is the same one Garth Brooks was talking about in his song about the ABA.

______________________

I never did reply to this "man," but my friends sure wanted to!