You’ve Got Male

To: JJ

From: Kate

It was nice to meet you and thank you for the great lunch.

I think you are really nice, and I don't think you're an underachiever of any sort. I'm afraid on other accounts we may be too different, like you suggested. Politics, religion,

humor—important things to differ on.

I wish you the best of luck, and I am glad we finally got to meet.

___________________________

(unedited)

From: JJ

To: Kelley

Subject: Re:

I learned a

lesson. Tell a "woman" of my politics and religion before wasting $55.00 on lunch.

Instead of asking me less-than-appropriate questions like "tell me of your eHarmony experiences with women", perhaps you could have asked if I were a republican or weather or not I supported my Catholic faith by going to church.

Also, I shall recognize in the future that if a "woman" sees politics and religion as a deal breaker, then she's way too incredibly shallow and closed minded than to deserve my attention and affection.

You're from a town of 300 people trying to assimilate into a world of 5 billion. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that so much makes you exclaim "ewwww", "grossss", or "that's baaaaaad".

The idea you forced 3 therapists on the marriage is brutally alarming. One should get a therapist just to help them with the problem of retaining three therapists.

Thanks for considering me a "really nice person".......eh, I guess as "nice" goes you do okay. Warm? No. Cold, ah.... now we're getting warmer.

Take care and good luck with whatever it is that you preoccupy yourself with.

Who Dares Loses.

______________________

To: Friends and family

Re: You won’t believe this…

Ok, this is from the guy that I went to lunch with on Friday after I tried to politely tell him that I didn't feel a connection. To be clear, I did NOT tell him ANY of these things. I would never say any of those things to a person like that. There's no reason.
The truth is:

• he has a DUI and no license since last April (almost a year later…no, he didn’t tell me this before our date)
• he asked me to lunch in the city because it's something about "less of an expense" (for the man) on a first date than wasting money on a nice dinner (he said this once I was at lunch with him)
• he CHOSE the place (which was across the street from his office…I suspect this is because he can’t drive)
• I had to wait for him by myself for 10 minutes (which I didn't tell him and he probably would have considered it penance for being born a woman anyway)
• I paid $17 to park and $5 to tip the valet because there was no parking anywhere
• he made fun of me 3 times AND pointed it out, as in "did you notice I did this?" I politely said I noticed, but I wasn't going to say anything (because that would be RUDE)
• he complained about the small amount of soup in the bowl of soup for the appetizer
• he told me "thank you for not feeling up my thigh or asking me to come over tonight." I said, "Excuse me?" Apparently women in the past have done that to him. Ah, yes: Talking about slutty women is such a turn-on during first-date lunch.
• and (as if I needed a deal-breaker) he told me on a first date how much he loves beer and when he drinks beer, he likes to drink A LOT of beer

The one thing he said that made me laugh was when he assumed my father was an ultra-conservative republican (see me nearly spit soup out my nose and trying to picture my father's response to such a statement—a blue-collar from Chicago from a long line of blue-collars and living the last 30 years in a one-horse union town).

The night before, he said he thought I'd find him less than whatever he assumes my "caliber" to be because he's "an underachiever." His words, not mine.

Enjoy the lovely diatribe about my personality.

His email was supposed to go to someone named "Kelly." I didn't see her address on it, which was a bit weird. I suspect he either blind-copied me and sent the email to her or he thinks my name is “Kelly.” I don't care to ask.

Even funnier is he's a recruiter for the American Bar Association! I think the ABA he was talking about is the same one Garth Brooks was talking about in his song about the ABA.

______________________

I never did reply to this "man," but my friends sure wanted to!