A dog that isn’t paper trained will leave messes all over your house. He will frustrate you with his constant whining, he will reduce the amount of time you get to go out and have fun—because you have to constantly check up on him! You’ll be preoccupied with what he’s doing when you aren’t around because no matter how adorable and affectionate he may be when you’re there, as soon as you aren’t around, he’s not to be trusted with his own impulses.
Is he just answering the call of nature? Don’t fool yourself, ladies: Someone has been too lazy to train him.
No one wants a dog crapping all over their house, so why would anyone date a man that isn’t paper trained? Well, it wasn’t the brightest spot in the dark sky that has been my dating experience. I think of myself as a fairly sensible woman. I ask questions, I weigh options, and I concern myself with “worst-case” scenarios...
He said, “I’m separated.”
When a man tells you he’s separated, it may be true, but it does NOT mean he’s a free agent. It means he’s a wandering dog that’s off his leash. Like any wandering dog, an encounter with him can definitely leave you bitten and scarred.
You should care why he’s off his leash. Even if he doesn’t wear a collar, he still belongs to someone else. So I asked The Dog exactly what “separated” meant to him and he assured me that his marriage was totally over, but neither of them had gone through the formality of filing divorce papers. (In hindsight, this was my clue to dump The Dog on the side of the road so he could wander his ass back home.)
Uncertain, I asked more questions—Ladies, you are entitled to ask any questions you want regarding this situation! No question is out of bounds. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If he cannot answer you or his response is flaky, walk. Fast. Away. And don’t look back—even if the view is spectacular.
How long have you been separated? When did he/she move out? Have you been to counseling—all of you—as a family, separately, the kids? Does your wife want a divorce, too?
Yes, I said it. His WIFE. He’s MARRIED. STILL. “Separated” does not equal “divorced.”
How his wife feels is a very important question to ask. If he tells you anything other than “we both have lawyers” or “she served me papers,” jump ship. Think about it: Do you want to get involved with a man whose wife is bitter about their marriage ending and is fighting it all the way? Angry wives can make unreasonable demands on their estranged husband and use their children as pawns in a game you don’t even know the rules to. As a single woman taking care of herself and making her own way in this world, I have enough drama and responsibility in my life that I don’t need the added crazy only a pissed off and vindictive woman can bring just because I chose to walk her dog.I asked lots of questions. I asked some of the same questions multiple times and various ways—behavioral based interviewing 101. His answers were all favorable and without hesitation. I felt more confident, but still very apprehensive. Upon several occasions, I’d express concern again only to be immediately met with his reassurance and sometimes his frustration at my insecurity. I trusted him because he gave me no reason not to. Or did he?
No matter what The Dog says, the fact of the matter is until someone puts down a retainer on a lawyer, someone gets served, and the gavel falls, The Dog is unavailable. It’s all in the paperwork and he has not been paper trained.
“Oh, but he hasn’t lived there for nine months. He hates her! She makes him miserable!”
Buy a scrambler baby because all you should be hearing is “blah, blah, blah.”
Divorce papers have a date on them certifying that this man is no longer someone’s husband. Until that paper is stamped, he’s still got a wife. She has all the power to make your life hell because she pulls his strings. She has his time. She has his money. Chances are she has his house and his kids, too. Washer’s not working? He’s off and running. She sends him a nasty email about not spending as much time with his kids as he used to (hello, he doesn’t LIVE there anymore), so he freaks out and you find yourself brushing the dust off your coat as he speeds away.
My question is why do men act this way? The answer is so simple, we forget time after time: Because they can.
Every man would be a dog if he could get away with it. A separated man has even more dog-potential than a 20-year-old college frat boy! How can I possibly compare the two? It’s too easy! You’re killing me!
College boys
1. Lose all sensibility as soon as they find themselves surrounded by single women.
2. They’re horny and in desperate need of attention.
3. Are always looking for aspirin.
Separated men
1. Suddenly find themselves surrounded by single women and lose all sensibility.
2. They’re horny and in desperate need of attention.
3. Are looking for an aspirin for a different kind of pain.
Take the advice of a friend of mine: You do not want to be someone’s Tylenol when they are in pain. Hand The Dog a bottle of aspirin and shove him out the door. Lock the door. Pour yourself a stiff drink and consider what’s on the DVR because you need to quickly forget about The Dog.
As a formerly married woman, I would have kicked my dog’s butt to the kennel if I knew he was wandering around the neighborhood, in and out of women’s houses. Better yet, an invisible fence to shock him back to the reality of the boundaries of his freedom.
As far as the damned dog I let in my house is concerned, had I known he was wandering and not really lost, I definitely wouldn’t have taken him in, fed him, comforted him, and given him treats. I sure didn’t want an untrained dog trampling through my flower garden only to spread his dirty doggy footprints all over my house, making a mess of things.
I have no idea how long it will take me to clean up the mess he left behind.
Trust me about The Dog, ladies: If he’s not paper trained, you’ll regret it the second you let him in.
Bad dog!
