Sure, it’s Still Ice Cream, but…

So he’s intelligent. He’s amusing. He’s a good kisser. He’s attentive but not clingy (yes, even women need space). I actually want to see him more often; even if that means having beer take up space in my fridge. Heck, I may even consider sharing my pillow, but eventually compatibility comes down to sex.

We can be the best of friends off the course, but when it’s time to play and he just can’t seem to make the shot, he shouldn’t be surprised if I’m not so eager to team up with him again. Right? Can this skill really be coached?

I admit I have stayed in a relationship too long when the sex was, well, dissatisfying. When I finally told my friends and even my mother about my predicament, they were horrified to say the least. Why would I stay in a relationship with no passion? Why was I settling? Did I think it would improve over time?

I’m nothing if not reasonable. I rationalized that he was a perfectly nice man and we got along, so why toss him aside? We could work on it and somehow make it fun. And I didn’t want to embarrass him or insult him, so I thought it would be best to make this a covert operation. So I bought a video.

Let me first state that I am not the porn-watching kinda gal. I’ve tried. I even picked out some really “great” porn as a surprise for my husband on Valentine’s Day. He was quite surprised and happy with my choice (thank you, helpful lesbian in the video rental shop). Unfortunately, he watched it without me.

Despite my attempts to coexist with porn without incident, whenever our paths have crossed, it’s been a less-than-satisfying experience for me and whomever it was I was with at the time. From one boyfriend’s video of a “niece’s dance recital” in the camcorder (yes, there were girls and I guess it was a group dance of sorts) to stumbling onto my husband’s porn stash while looking for our car insurance policies, porn insists on making its presence known.

I am not the woman that denies her man privacy or space. And I completely understand that men are visual creatures and enjoying porn once in a while does not make a man (or woman) creepy or unfaithful. I grew up in a town with a very famous strip club right off Main Street. I’m sure many people I went to college with put themselves through school by way of employment at that very establishment.

But still, when I innocuously plug my iPod into the computer and suffer an onslaught of pop-up window after pop-up window of mini-porn movies, I have to wonder if the joke is on me.

I digress. So I purchase this instructional video for my boyfriend. I present said video as something new and fun. I drink two glasses of wine before sitting down to watch video with boyfriend. Five minutes into foreplay, video begins to fervently skip.

There’s something undeniably amusing about stuttering porn.

That was my last attempt to befriend porn. Shortly after that incident, but not directly related, that boyfriend and I parted ways. It was then with renewed perspective that I realized when I want vanilla-chocolate-chip ice cream and someone offers me vanilla ice cream, yes, it’s still ice cream, but it’s definitely not going to hit the spot…even with sprinkles.