I was raised to think premarital sex was “bad”…recovering Catholic. I didn’t abide by that prescribed and archaic philosophy, though doing so would have saved me more than penance a few times. And my desires and needs now are very different from that of a my 30s when I was married: I’m not looking for the father of my children.
Any man in my life is one that I wholeheartedly appreciate and want to listen to, laugh with, love on, sit in stillness next to, and genuinely do things for because I like him and want him around. He brings something into my life that makes it more vibrant and interesting.
He recognizes and appreciates me as both a friend and a woman. I already know who I am and what I bring to a relationship, and that should be reflected in his behavior and how he looks at me, how he treats me, and how he makes me feel. He doesn’t need me, and I don’t need him, but we want each other.
And that’s rich.
It’s rich like the creamy froth of your late-morning latte after 4 hours of rest and a panged drive away from your lover’s house. It’s filled with the salty taste of post-coital intimacy after a takeout night coupled with luxurious wine. It’s enveloped in the warm musk of two bodies appreciating each other for hours, forgetting about headaches and heartaches and the spaces in between.
That’s rich.
Post-marital sex can be as disappointing as the labored and prescriptive intimacy of common bedfellows; the same infrequency of opportunity…the pent-up hunger…the uncertainty of burnout…Add the unforeseen disappointment of misalignment and misgivings…
Yet, we are enticed back in, desperate with optimism.
Why? Because we need. We need to be touched and felt, tasted and savored, seen and wanted, and sometimes, well, oftentimes, spent.
So, we go there.
That’s rich because of the cost.
There’s always a cost.
And the more years we’ve invested, the greater our bank account. At 51, now I wonder, how much do I have to invest?
Now I’m home, alone and missing the person I’d rather be with who has his own crosses to bear: indecision and fear. Or he’s just not that into me. Regardless, his portfolio is divested beyond my measure (ex-wives, several kids, a new business, etc.). I’m also over-allocated. This man is receiving a loan without even paying towards the principal.
And so we have not only a relationship that has depreciated but truly a lack of appreciation. A poor return.
What have I invested? Time. Money. Emotions. Dreams. Penny stocks here and there. The market can turn on a dime, and I may be more inclined to invest elsewhere. Or to let someone else borrow because he actually will repay and ensure I appreciate the interest.
Cheers to the Bull.
